Went to see Get Smart today. But before I go into how the movie was, I have to tell you that I had a near death experience. I'm ok physically, but.... I'd better start from the beginning.

I got to the theater that was playing Get Smart and like all movies, trailers for upcoming movies had to come first (along with commercials for products I won't be buying soon). One of those trailers was for the movie entitled Disaster Movie, coming in August of this year. It's another piece of shit "parody", and I use that term lightly, from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. These are the two mindless hacks who brought us Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Meet the Spartans. Basically, their movies are unoriginal and unfunny parodies of movies that came out or have yet to come out and are peppered with lame pop culture refs and a heaping of bad humor. I prefer to call them "cut and paste" movies since they're taking anything for good movies, tossing them into a wood chipper with forty pounds of glue and lame jokes, and see what sticks on film. For a better commentary on these two retards, allow me to point you towards a DVD review of their last film.

[link]

Trust me, even the critic shows his hatred for these two idiots as well as the poor actors who star in their films and the brainless sheep that see them.

As the trailers rolled I, like everyone else in the theater, was unaware of the horror that we would soon encounter. Looking back on it, I finally figured out the secret ending to The Happening without seeing it myself. I'm guessing that the mystery behind everyone killing themselves in The Happening were victims of those who either saw the trailer to Disaster Movie or they lived in a world where only Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer movies played in every media outlet. I can't describe the images I saw on the screen but I will break down the following events in a chronological order.

00:01 - The green letterbox that says this movie was approved by the MPAA comes on (apparently, they're not doing a good enough job).

00:02 - The trailer begins and I'm wondering what this movie is and so is the rest of the movie goers. I should have sensed danger since my Spider Sense was tingling.

00:03 - A guy in an Iron Man costume gets crushed by a meteor, no laughter is heard in the theater. It's right there that I realized who was behind this movie. First thoughts in my head were "OH JESUS FUCK CHRIST! NO ANOTHER ONE!!"

00:05 - At this point, I'm trying to avert my eyes from the horror of this turd of a movie trailer. Covering my ears as well, but I keep looking at the screen like a horrible train wreck that I cannot look away. I turn around and see something even worse. The movie goers are screaming in pain. A young couple in front of me were crying out to anyone in the theater to stop the trailer. Sadly their cries fell on deaf ears.

00:06 - I turned over and saw an elderly couple who wanted to see if the Get Smart movie was as good as the TV series. They would never know. Since they too saw the utter shit that was the Disaster Movie trailer, they gouged their own eyes out and used their drinking straws to puncture their ear drums. At this point, I decided to make a run for the exit.

00:07 - 00:09 - I was rushing towards the theater exit, not looking at the screen but hearing the trailer continue. I also witnessed many movie patrons killing themselves just to escape the pain. One guy took his cell phone out and was trying to bash it into his head. I'll give him an A for effort, the poor bastard. But I began to feel the effects of the trailer on myself. I figured after seeing Batman and Robin twice in theaters, I was strong enough to endure any bad movie. I was wrong. As I opened the door to the exit, I felt something warm run down my lips. The room began to spin. I made it halfway into the theater hallway and saw across from our theater was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull playing (perhaps a far better film than Disaster Movie but then anything would be better). I felt myself go limp and mumbled "Save me, Indy..." before everything went black.

????? - I gasped for air and found three ushers performing CPR on me. They had pulled me out of the theater in time and brought me back to life. They said I was dead for 3 minutes and was one of the lucky few that were still alive. I thought to myself "Was I lucky?" I may have lived but I felt a part of me die in that theater.

15:29 - EMT's checked me out and gave me a clean bill of health. They too said I was lucky to be alive. Meanwhile, I saw those that barely survived shouting at the manager and the projectionist. They threatened to sue them for cruel acts against humans and assault with a deadly weapon.

But you should not blame the theater owners for this. They were unaware that this trailer was put in. No, the blame goes to Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer, and anyone that see's their movies. Send these two to Iraq with only their undies and a slingshot. If they somehow die at the hands of the enemy or by friendly fire, it will be a blessing to humanity and cinemas.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest...

Get Smart was funny stuff, me and the survivors stayed to watch it (the theater gave us a full refund so not to sue). Laughs all around from Steve Carrel and company. Might see it again but I'm putting another screening of Incredible Hulk on my to view list. It did great on opening weekend, so lets get the word out on this kick ass Marvel movie. On a final note, I will offer $50 for anyone who brings me the heads Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

Chwen